NOTHING BUT DEATH FANTASIES

 

Almost all of us have experienced emptiness at some point. It is the pain we have felt following a breakup, perhaps the loss of a loved one or a move from home. We are vulnerable to feeling lonely at some point in our lives.

Although loneliness and depression are partly are related they are different. Loneliness refers specifically to negative feelings about the social world,whereas depression refers to a move general set of negative feelings.

Yesterday, I had a long,lengthy and languid conversation with Furaha. she's worried about me. She says I've lost my faerie sparkle and she's right. There's currently no happiness in my life. There's no joy,no contentment,no relaxation and no motivation.

There is nothing but stress, depression and a morose malaise that I cannot seem to break. Throughout the conversation she tried to sparkle my interest,we talked about Rafiki whom I miss more that life itself,we talked about movies and television,we talked about old friends and acquaintances,but none of the conversation even sparkled a smile they just made me feel even more inadequate,even more useless and even more pointless. She was trying to help me,She was trying to break through the depression and remind me of all the things I love in life,all the things that usually make my heart sing,but all of her words did was remind me of the mess that I have made of my life.

            The simple fact of the matter,is I'm imploding. Even simple tasks like getting out of bed or having a shower are becoming impossible for me to achieve, let alone more complicated tasks like housework or grocery shopping. I know this is the depression I know this  is the mental health. But knowing doesn't make it any easier. You can have all the knowledge in the world but it's still not going to make life any easier. And I use that word loosely for what I have at the moment isn't a life. It's an existence.

I just go through the motions day after day, watching movies, doing anything to pass time until I crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling for another eight hours. There is no excitement in my life,there is no happiness,there is nothing but pain, stress, and death fantasies.

And Ndela is loving it,for the last two months ndela has been in her element because this is exactly the state she loves seeing me in. For years she has been adamant that I deserve nothing but pain in life,so now that my life is only about pain,she is salivating with excitement. Her words-as cruel and cutting as they always are have complete control over me. Her abuse has been as constant as my unhappiness, gleefully pointing out how what is happening to me is my fault,that I have brought it on myself,that is my pain is nothing but my own desired creation. Furaha has taken the issue with her,as she always does and some of their fight over the last couple of months have been deafeningly epic. But I've been too tired ,too devoid of energy to do anything about it. So I just let them slug it out.

          And as my depression deepens,so too does my social anxiety and PTSD. Things have gotten so bad on the social anxiety front that I have been able to go the mall for nearly a week. I've barely eaten anything over the last seven days as it's easier for me to starve myself than deal with the stress and complications of being out in public. Things are so bad for me at the moment that I'm actively considering ditching my apartment and returning to living on the streets. Atleast if I were to do that I could move back to Tudor and be somewhere that I wanted to be, somewhere that my faerie sparkle would have a chance to shine even if it is undera blanket in the middle of a desolate park.

Yesterday I outlined some of my current stressors, issues that are triggering my mental health,into uncontrollable territory. It was a somewhat whiny, somewhat depressing post but one that needed to be written. Life is hard for me I have virtually no energy and my lose of hope is making it difficult for me to keep fighting but as I have been for twenty years I keep pushing myself.

First and foremost is my attempt to obtain psychiatric support something I have been trying to obtain for the last two years. You would think this would be simple that it would just be a case of contacting the local mental health service and boom!! I have a psychiatrist but no. However I'm not naive enough to believe that a psychiatrist will solve all my problems. They say you only live once,maybe they're right,maybe they're not ,so why would you live in a town or city that amplifies your mental health and makes living a chore devoid of excitement, happiness and social interaction???

As for my other current triggers,to be honest there is little I can do about them at this time. My physical health problems are being monitored by doctors so only time will tell how this aspect of my life will play out. The same can be said for my current anhedonia and death fantasies, neither are they going away anytime soon and as both intrinsically linked to my mental health, I can only combat them as best as I can. Perhaps a psychiatrist will assist in this respect perhaps not. But even though I've lost all hope for a better future I'm yet to stop fighting I'm just trying to do the best I can with the little I've got.

                                  ~based on a true story~